What do you like about people?

I saw this question posed in a newsletter that I follow, and my initial thought was, “Oh, I definitely know this.”

Journaling most every day about my thoughts and reflecting on my life quite often, I would consider myself a rather introspective person. But once I started typing out my response to the email, I realized that the initial thoughts that came to mind were actually different than my final answer.

Aspects that I thought were of the utmost importance were actually more “nice-to-haves” and I found that there are only three non-negotiables when it comes to what I like about people both platonically and romantically.

The Non-Negotiable

Like-Hearted

In Keep Going, Austin Kleon discusses this idea of finding people that are like-hearted to us versus like-minded. I have always preferred the characteristic of kindness more than intelligence, but I had never heard it stated in such a manner.

Quoting another writer, Alan Jacobs, Kleon writes:

You should consider hanging out with people who aren’t so much like-minded as like-hearted…These are people who are “temperamentally disposed to openness and have habits of listening.” People who are generous, kind, caring, and thoughtful. People who, when you say something, “think about it, rather than just simply react.” People you feel good around.

First and foremost, this is what I look for in people. This is what I value most in the people that I have grown to love.

Willingness to Engage in Purposeful Dialogue

What I love more than most anything else in life is connecting with others on a soul-to-soul level. This can take different forms, but the most common for me is spoken conversation.

But why? What is it it about this dialogue that is so pivotal for me?

At first, I thought that it had to do with being on a similar intellectual level - it was about the sophistication of the topics.

But now, I know that is not it.

The conversations need to be about ideas (versus events or people), but intelligence is not the main requirement.

What is essential to have the types of conversation that I crave is a humility and willingness to be vulnerable. It requires not taking life so so seriously and instead being able to show off the less than glamorous parts of our lives, i.e. what Andy Grammer would call The Good Parts (I would encourage you to check out his song that has that name). We need to let our walls down and have some faith in others if we want any hope of a relationship of any consequence.

Work Towards Complaining Less

I believe that complaining is the most contagious poison that the vast majority of us inject into our own lives and spread to others on a daily basis.

There are few things that I have thought of that do as much damage to our idea of what is possible to do with these beautiful lives of ours. With each complaint uttered, a little bit of hope dies.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can choose a different path.

And I seek out others who not only believe that to be the case but actively are working to spread less of this toxic substance into the world.

If you are interested in complaining less, I would encourage you to check out the challenge created by Will Bowen here. I also did the experiment with one of my good friends and we recorded a podcast episode about the experiment that you can find on Apple Podcasts here or Spotify here.

The Nice-To-Haves

These two aspects are things that, for the longest time, I thought had to be there in every one of my friendships. This reflection has allowed me to realize though that some friendships have thrived because of the below while others have thrived as a result of them not being present.

Similar Interests

It is nice to have a solid ground upon which to relate to another person, but I don’t need to have every single interest in common with my friends. In fact, if we did match up 100% in that regard, I imagine that life would be quite boring.

There is something beautiful about seeing the activities that light up the eyes of another person. I get to learn about hobbies I may never have heard about otherwise. My mind gets stretched thinking about topics to which I have never been exposed. And, most importantly, I see how related most things in life are to one another.

Growth Mindset

People who are aiming to make the most of their lives are most fascinating to me. They inspire me and push me to become the best version of myself.

The reason that this is on the secondary list as opposed to the primary one is that I have realized that others can have vastly different ideas of what growth means.

So with that, I suppose the more accurate way to say this is that the same sort of growth mindset that I possess is splendid when it exists but not necessary.